13. LAST XMAS
Bah! To Christmas,
Humbug and a heavy heart
No joy in Christmas now
Not since that last Christmas
With Clara.
Christmas eve 2006
We expected
That this would be Clara’s
Last Christmas,
Our last family Christmas together
(still hoping with all our hearts
It was not to be the last).
Our dear friend Toni
Gave us the gift
Of a lovely Christmas
To remember.
Toni catered,
Arriving at our doorstep
With everything for Christmas dinner
So all we had to do
Was eat, drink, be merry
And catch ourselves
Looking longingly at Clara,
Drinking her in,
Trying to imprint her on our memories.
Crackers, champagne, a game of scrabble,
Clara, jolly with the rest of us
(How does she do it?)
She is quietly happy
Simply happy just to be with us,
Savouring our company,
A Christmas dinner treat.
Now
Christmases are just a chore,
Reminder of an absence,
To be endured, glad when it’s over.
In fact, what’s Christ got to do with it?
Or heavenly providence?
It’s just Xmas for me now.
20 December
2012
When I was
at school, I was a good, god-fearing Catholic boy. In class one day a Christian brother taught us that we should
always use the full word, ‘Christmas’, not ‘Xmas’. ‘Xmas’ was a plot by evil,
god hating, commie atheists to take Christ, the godchild, out of Christmas. Or, worse,
another example of protestants’ perversion of the true faith. We must never
fall for their wiles, never write ‘Xmas’.
Even after
my lapse from Catholicism, for many years I still dutifully wrote ‘Christmas’,
or felt a little reckless if I wrote ‘Xmas’ as a convenient abbreviation.
But, after
Clara died, I eschewed ‘Christmas’ completely. Now I vengefully, bitterly write
‘Xmas’, every time.
